Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Down and under...
Freewill... Why freewill you need to break away from freewill in order to achieve the things you want within God's Will, whats the point of Freewill then? If you don't break away from it you stay within the flesh and then live a life you plan or create by choice, possibly ending in hell... But now... You have the choice not to follow your own way but God's way.. Praying for guidance... Okay why live then? and it goes both ways... Good and evil why be a "robot" controlled... I wish to be sober!...
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Some random stuff
This is all random stuff poping up day to day...
#1 The Inevitable
Life is just an mislead dream effect to the inevitable.
as if we know what really goes on?
and we don't so we belief in...??
Don't know but for me life is meaningless...
Not happy? not happy ever..
as Some die the world goes on and nothing ever changes,
or does it is it me? ME not changing??
why everyday theirs at lease some what thousands of questions going through my mind the endless wonder of the inevitable.
As the one most fear, the darkness follows him where ever he sets foot. Yes! You know him he is always happy to help or is he? his words worst then any poison, nothing compare to his will of destruction...
as the inevitable darkness nears... what shall I do?
a living sheep, Dream controlled, as the inevitable tears the soul apart..
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I feel like a Dream controlled living sheep as the inevitable tears my soul apart... (we are like sheep living life ... in a dream not in control powerless... inevitable^...
As quiet night it can be, thou my soul feels provoked as the Inevitable torments with my mind..
Sadness provoked a smile and left me....? with an absence of light...
wow...don't let the inevitable mess up your life its only a feeling or the emotion of failure that causes the mind to seize in a fear of nothingness
Its something you think off everyday a constant torment "not always though" but some days even worst then ever before what am I?
Empty... with a 'ness is worst then any other pain why? with pain you seek help or comfort... Emptyness is nothing'ness its darkness total darkness... being lost... but!? - something lives in this darkness its doom, Destruction fear and deception where ever it goes, slowly IT the Inevitable Feeds on your fear, sadness releasing a pain of neverendingness making you nothing worth but Empty...
ss:
Help me if you can... (its suffering)
as if you can?
sheep?
## A sickened mind weakens the reality, I'm dreaming no His awake
Thoughts running wild.... Feeds the mind with nothing but lies? Should you believe in it once you would fail or fame?
dream controlled little sheep...
suffering in this dust to dust world
As this life goes on we drift apart.. love, happiness all getting left behind slowly dissapearing... leaving us empty with nothing but the way we came into this life!! nothing... you? ! me? nothing!!!
unspoken words cause the soul more pain then spoken words....
## So to be second in her life... Broken in two, Left to rot for 2 is one for none
alone.... left alone for none, can't this turn from 2 to 1, broken in 2 as every time before never shall we be broken in one but 2;
2 for 1; 1 for none alone I stand hoping for hope, a dope less hope for a return, get me off this high as its not fun to be 2 for none but one for none... By myself? alone again? wondering in this void... searching for that bid of hope a answer to this torment I have prolonging this suffering, that damp my soul everyday, listening to people seeing people thinking constantly about every little thing possible to stop with this drunken lifeless nutshell we call home... for 2 is 1 but 1 is n0ne, even if im 1 im still 2 after 1 is none, none the less then that what seeks to be better then 1 for its none while 2 is 1...
#1 The Inevitable
Life is just an mislead dream effect to the inevitable.
as if we know what really goes on?
and we don't so we belief in...??
Don't know but for me life is meaningless...
Not happy? not happy ever..
as Some die the world goes on and nothing ever changes,
or does it is it me? ME not changing??
why everyday theirs at lease some what thousands of questions going through my mind the endless wonder of the inevitable.
As the one most fear, the darkness follows him where ever he sets foot. Yes! You know him he is always happy to help or is he? his words worst then any poison, nothing compare to his will of destruction...
as the inevitable darkness nears... what shall I do?
a living sheep, Dream controlled, as the inevitable tears the soul apart..
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I feel like a Dream controlled living sheep as the inevitable tears my soul apart... (we are like sheep living life ... in a dream not in control powerless... inevitable^...
As quiet night it can be, thou my soul feels provoked as the Inevitable torments with my mind..
Sadness provoked a smile and left me....? with an absence of light...
wow...don't let the inevitable mess up your life its only a feeling or the emotion of failure that causes the mind to seize in a fear of nothingness
Its something you think off everyday a constant torment "not always though" but some days even worst then ever before what am I?
Empty... with a 'ness is worst then any other pain why? with pain you seek help or comfort... Emptyness is nothing'ness its darkness total darkness... being lost... but!? - something lives in this darkness its doom, Destruction fear and deception where ever it goes, slowly IT the Inevitable Feeds on your fear, sadness releasing a pain of neverendingness making you nothing worth but Empty...
ss:
Help me if you can... (its suffering)
as if you can?
sheep?
## A sickened mind weakens the reality, I'm dreaming no His awake
Thoughts running wild.... Feeds the mind with nothing but lies? Should you believe in it once you would fail or fame?
dream controlled little sheep...
suffering in this dust to dust world
As this life goes on we drift apart.. love, happiness all getting left behind slowly dissapearing... leaving us empty with nothing but the way we came into this life!! nothing... you? ! me? nothing!!!
unspoken words cause the soul more pain then spoken words....
## So to be second in her life... Broken in two, Left to rot for 2 is one for none
alone.... left alone for none, can't this turn from 2 to 1, broken in 2 as every time before never shall we be broken in one but 2;
2 for 1; 1 for none alone I stand hoping for hope, a dope less hope for a return, get me off this high as its not fun to be 2 for none but one for none... By myself? alone again? wondering in this void... searching for that bid of hope a answer to this torment I have prolonging this suffering, that damp my soul everyday, listening to people seeing people thinking constantly about every little thing possible to stop with this drunken lifeless nutshell we call home... for 2 is 1 but 1 is n0ne, even if im 1 im still 2 after 1 is none, none the less then that what seeks to be better then 1 for its none while 2 is 1...
My Notes 2
Tuesday, 16 August, 2011
Standing up... ; A misty void prevail my eyes blinding me, making me blunt, stoned by the fact that I'm alive yet another day; Thinking what will I accomplish today? a hope for vengeance, a relief of pain and suffering or a new beginning...? Pondering on... getting ready.... -- Deep inside my mind
Today I woke up starting with 'that' wondering when will this change? When will the torment stop please save me from this! "I ask You everyday"... Not that it's Your fault, but for myself being weak within the flesh, opening vulnerable spaces for it, to tweak my mind making me believe, seeing things I should not, making me wander off into the abyss...
A Perfect Circle - The Noose... something to explain the way i feel; imagine yourself in that position... "That's a bit off my mind... deeper we dwell..."
Getting to a point where we talked about us.. and the love we share or the bond making it loveable...? Makes me think: do i really deserve you? should i not be banished from this planet for the things I have done...? Then again I changed it thinking maybe you are the one to save me from my inevitable doom?...... I only wish that I could be happy? Maybe I'm happy? I don't know... Sometimes I smile and laugh but I never truly feel that happiness, what I had felt many years back, I'm confused? Maybe I'm vulnerable to being alone while you are gone.. " Hoping you return in time "
Standing up... ; A misty void prevail my eyes blinding me, making me blunt, stoned by the fact that I'm alive yet another day; Thinking what will I accomplish today? a hope for vengeance, a relief of pain and suffering or a new beginning...? Pondering on... getting ready.... -- Deep inside my mind
Today I woke up starting with 'that' wondering when will this change? When will the torment stop please save me from this! "I ask You everyday"... Not that it's Your fault, but for myself being weak within the flesh, opening vulnerable spaces for it, to tweak my mind making me believe, seeing things I should not, making me wander off into the abyss...
A Perfect Circle - The Noose... something to explain the way i feel; imagine yourself in that position... "That's a bit off my mind... deeper we dwell..."
Getting to a point where we talked about us.. and the love we share or the bond making it loveable...? Makes me think: do i really deserve you? should i not be banished from this planet for the things I have done...? Then again I changed it thinking maybe you are the one to save me from my inevitable doom?...... I only wish that I could be happy? Maybe I'm happy? I don't know... Sometimes I smile and laugh but I never truly feel that happiness, what I had felt many years back, I'm confused? Maybe I'm vulnerable to being alone while you are gone.. " Hoping you return in time "
My Notes
Monday, 15 August, 2011
Something I have been wandering about for some time now...
Not really a fear but a feeling like a fear its Tormenting my mind making me unstable wandering off on to the path of the unknown, --shower time-- "thinking time" isn't pleasent anymore, constantly thinking that: 'maybe I'm better off alone?' at the same time thinking that I'm crazy for thinking something like that? Why would I want to be alone??? I think I'm scared because I have already lost someone close to my heart once... lossing her would be the final cut, I can't explain how it feels within my mind its a constant battle to convince myself that I have to stay alive I will be happy soon I will be happy sooon!... I will I know I will, Its hard waiting for her to come back; even a little thought off her making the choice not to come back will totaly rip my world in pieces I will lose it... I won't make it.. I fear this because I get the feeling sometimes that something like this could be so real within any moment continuing on this road... Then again something else to add to the corupted mind is the constant thoughts about Life & Death, Good & Evil... God and satan, tormented, constant testing, thoughts unimaginable even my dreams scare me, sometimes I'm to scared to go to bed... somethimes I'm to scared to walk in the dark, sometimes I feel that I don't want to wake up from a dream, both worlds are confusing and corupted I have no where to go?? I'm running from something? I fear not? or If so what??
-- Maybe the death of Dad...?? It's painfull just to think about it... I can still see the pain and dissapointment on his face the day I left to stay with Mom... " For a better life... Haha what a fucking fool I was! " Riches tricked mymind making me belief in something that is even more corrupted then anything else... I wish I could see Him one more time... I want to say that I'm sorry for leaving Him... The mere fact only thinking about myself... as always its stupid !! I'm always to busy with my own things.... and then soon after awhile then to realise that something changed in life... It feels like little pauses in life... Like chapters in a book.. with one picture discibing the whole chaper.. Its weird.. I know but i guess you know what I'm talking about... ; back to Her I miss her my love...
Weird though that If i never made the choice to move to Mom a lot and I meen alot would have been different... " no drugs (well who knows), friends & people i met, places i went to, I would have done better in school.. He would still be alive... " Sadness... down, mislead, lost, death, alone.... Its hard to convince myself to be happy Its hard to motivate my self... I do need Her close to me se helps me, she makes my life worth the way... My sweet heart... --- I wonder when will things be different with Mom? well maybe if I start it I could find out... but why should I be the only one thinking about these kind of things? don't others think about it aswell.. Its like all my friends I have?/had? in the void... No one calls... busy with there own stuff I guess... or maybe they are waiting for me to call? I don't know this is something totally different but anyway... I only have one disire in my life and its to spend time with my wife (still to come) but before I could get to that state... I have to go through some tests I guess?? Or maintance ? or do I maybe?? maybe not... Can't we all just be sober... ? think about it we are all so upsessed with things from this world..! "money, power, control" Good & evil.. How I don't think about this every fucking day... What am I doing ... wait.. is it good? or bad... mmmm choices dissusions... I'm not happy - I feel lost again I feel hopless I feel dead..... yea easy to say " don't be so negative don't be so down.. man u need to chill, man u need to lighten up life aint that bad... " well guess what fuckface you are under contol of the system...
The only way to be happy is to follow.. The LORD !! ok no problem with that I will... And I do! but.. Its just as hard because you get tested every single minute! every few seconds Its between Good/ bad... everyday... Ok adjust to It, sure do your part.. but still its hard... Of course you can't do everything alone you need to hand everything over to the Lord let Him handel everything for you >? Ok... Now what?? should I rather sit in a room all day? doing and seeing nothing from this world only doing good... or even not to be influenced by anything from the outside... YEs!! that will work.... or will it? no haha fooool.... you still have your mind.... " In the bible it says that you should remove the things that cause u to step on the road to hell... " like pluck out your eyes if the decieve you... What about my head... can I remove it... can i remove myself from this world? No I guess not... Mindless... Void... sheep we are... ---> I miss her she's my shield against the dammed se keeps me safe... by the same time I know the Lord keeps watch over me all the time... but I do so many bad things... within my mind.. that I find it hard to belief that I can call my self a good person... ? I'm unstable.... Dreaming seems off now.. dreaming all of this in one dream makes me feel confused why? should I dream about all these things... No I'm awake its not a dream not this time>? Last night I was searching for Mom in my dream, looking in houses and all kinds of places but I couldn't find her... Its strange?... Like the other dreams I had about demons... I was carrying a bible and a robe and I could speak in a wierd language and i was busy casting demons out of this one child and a man... it was scary as shit... and confusing and fearfull!! -- i think i'm having trouble defeating the inner me.. or inner evil... maybe im corrupted ? mymind seems odd... not just now many years now... ? I'll look into that but first she has to comeback! I miss her so much going to bed at night seems dull cause I know I'll wake alone tomorrow... I'm so stupid... only a few weeks back when she first talked about leaving I did'nt give my full atention to it... only to find my self broken after she's gone... pain, fear, lonlyness.... // This is it for now... btw I just wrote it so grammar and spelling is up to shit... who cares..
Something I have been wandering about for some time now...
Not really a fear but a feeling like a fear its Tormenting my mind making me unstable wandering off on to the path of the unknown, --shower time-- "thinking time" isn't pleasent anymore, constantly thinking that: 'maybe I'm better off alone?' at the same time thinking that I'm crazy for thinking something like that? Why would I want to be alone??? I think I'm scared because I have already lost someone close to my heart once... lossing her would be the final cut, I can't explain how it feels within my mind its a constant battle to convince myself that I have to stay alive I will be happy soon I will be happy sooon!... I will I know I will, Its hard waiting for her to come back; even a little thought off her making the choice not to come back will totaly rip my world in pieces I will lose it... I won't make it.. I fear this because I get the feeling sometimes that something like this could be so real within any moment continuing on this road... Then again something else to add to the corupted mind is the constant thoughts about Life & Death, Good & Evil... God and satan, tormented, constant testing, thoughts unimaginable even my dreams scare me, sometimes I'm to scared to go to bed... somethimes I'm to scared to walk in the dark, sometimes I feel that I don't want to wake up from a dream, both worlds are confusing and corupted I have no where to go?? I'm running from something? I fear not? or If so what??
-- Maybe the death of Dad...?? It's painfull just to think about it... I can still see the pain and dissapointment on his face the day I left to stay with Mom... " For a better life... Haha what a fucking fool I was! " Riches tricked mymind making me belief in something that is even more corrupted then anything else... I wish I could see Him one more time... I want to say that I'm sorry for leaving Him... The mere fact only thinking about myself... as always its stupid !! I'm always to busy with my own things.... and then soon after awhile then to realise that something changed in life... It feels like little pauses in life... Like chapters in a book.. with one picture discibing the whole chaper.. Its weird.. I know but i guess you know what I'm talking about... ; back to Her I miss her my love...
Weird though that If i never made the choice to move to Mom a lot and I meen alot would have been different... " no drugs (well who knows), friends & people i met, places i went to, I would have done better in school.. He would still be alive... " Sadness... down, mislead, lost, death, alone.... Its hard to convince myself to be happy Its hard to motivate my self... I do need Her close to me se helps me, she makes my life worth the way... My sweet heart... --- I wonder when will things be different with Mom? well maybe if I start it I could find out... but why should I be the only one thinking about these kind of things? don't others think about it aswell.. Its like all my friends I have?/had? in the void... No one calls... busy with there own stuff I guess... or maybe they are waiting for me to call? I don't know this is something totally different but anyway... I only have one disire in my life and its to spend time with my wife (still to come) but before I could get to that state... I have to go through some tests I guess?? Or maintance ? or do I maybe?? maybe not... Can't we all just be sober... ? think about it we are all so upsessed with things from this world..! "money, power, control" Good & evil.. How I don't think about this every fucking day... What am I doing ... wait.. is it good? or bad... mmmm choices dissusions... I'm not happy - I feel lost again I feel hopless I feel dead..... yea easy to say " don't be so negative don't be so down.. man u need to chill, man u need to lighten up life aint that bad... " well guess what fuckface you are under contol of the system...
The only way to be happy is to follow.. The LORD !! ok no problem with that I will... And I do! but.. Its just as hard because you get tested every single minute! every few seconds Its between Good/ bad... everyday... Ok adjust to It, sure do your part.. but still its hard... Of course you can't do everything alone you need to hand everything over to the Lord let Him handel everything for you >? Ok... Now what?? should I rather sit in a room all day? doing and seeing nothing from this world only doing good... or even not to be influenced by anything from the outside... YEs!! that will work.... or will it? no haha fooool.... you still have your mind.... " In the bible it says that you should remove the things that cause u to step on the road to hell... " like pluck out your eyes if the decieve you... What about my head... can I remove it... can i remove myself from this world? No I guess not... Mindless... Void... sheep we are... ---> I miss her she's my shield against the dammed se keeps me safe... by the same time I know the Lord keeps watch over me all the time... but I do so many bad things... within my mind.. that I find it hard to belief that I can call my self a good person... ? I'm unstable.... Dreaming seems off now.. dreaming all of this in one dream makes me feel confused why? should I dream about all these things... No I'm awake its not a dream not this time>? Last night I was searching for Mom in my dream, looking in houses and all kinds of places but I couldn't find her... Its strange?... Like the other dreams I had about demons... I was carrying a bible and a robe and I could speak in a wierd language and i was busy casting demons out of this one child and a man... it was scary as shit... and confusing and fearfull!! -- i think i'm having trouble defeating the inner me.. or inner evil... maybe im corrupted ? mymind seems odd... not just now many years now... ? I'll look into that but first she has to comeback! I miss her so much going to bed at night seems dull cause I know I'll wake alone tomorrow... I'm so stupid... only a few weeks back when she first talked about leaving I did'nt give my full atention to it... only to find my self broken after she's gone... pain, fear, lonlyness.... // This is it for now... btw I just wrote it so grammar and spelling is up to shit... who cares..
Monday, August 15, 2011
Just a thought....
Today... not a wonderful and happy day, not just for the fact that its Monday but yea anyway, I got up tormented already from a dream into reality, waking up like this really seem to drain my energy; Feeling lost, demotivated walking around in the void again... A creation of pain and loneliness a world within a world just a state of mind.... I miss Him today well mostly everyday... pain pain and suffering!!, If I started to search for ways to get out... should I worry? Have I lost it completely, constantly thinking yes, No? - maybe!? what to do???.... what tooo do...!! Here I am waiting for a release from these bonded chains of pain a needed devotion for love and care... alone I walk? I fear I am... without her I'm hopeless... I do trust in the Lord! I really do, but I'm not happy? Maybe I'm having trouble accepting Him... maybe I should stop trying to be Good... and just accept Him and let Him help me... It's this constant testing and attacks from the dammed making life so unpleasant... ? lust.... Go away from me-- Death -- Leave me let me be..... I just want to be happy? even so sometimes I feel happy being miserable.... What a confused state... Dreaming wandering around In this void... Eden or the Cursed part of it... !
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Provoked...
A mind of things together with everything we use to live, and proceed our daily tasks, a mind only one has as we share the world together among us, we are indifferent to each other, not knowing the true meaning but still we have hope for a chance in the system we are kept within bound to mankind...
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Disrupting
Waking up from a scene of fear onto a blighted life, "love one another till death she said!" confused within myself confused?? - a raging storm, devastating sea a hunger for devotion, fearing ill be left alone, all to be fed to the Inevitable at the end ; wandering into a void of nothingness concealed within... My doom awakes me feeling empty once again for the fact that visions could deceive a soul!
- Dreams seem weird these days....
- Dreams seem weird these days....
Randomniss!!
Where the waves break; cause the sound of peace to run the veins of those within its presence, making one another lose the grasp of reality and just bond in a wave of romance ...
- Me ( randomness )
- Me ( randomness )
Monday, August 1, 2011
What about this?
Yet another day another time... another chance to make some kind of difference within this void we live in... Hoping for some kind of release from these chains bonding us to this world.
I found myself crying in pain and vain, soul broken a atom split and a massive catastrophe of emotions, an explosion within this body a capsule to death, only to be released and then to find your way either to Heaven or hell, nothing we really understand and even most don't see, why; maybe because of the fact that we always want to see what ever it is we want to see...?? pointless effort.... That crossed my mind just now, wandering off into the abyss again, always found deep inside my mind in a world where everything must be questioned, i think I'm going crazy!, I found myself today fighting with myself while driving to work, for the mere fact that there is nothing els to listen to other then my thoughts... "My car radio got stolen on Friday", I forgave that entity for taking something not belonging to him/her even....
Well yet again, I sometimes get the feeling that the thoughts of pain and ..... are stalking me once more, like a never ending cycle; I think I'm used to it though? Maybe? maybe not... ****Aww damn stand up... its morning**** Time for work... an ongoing cycle a never ending story well for at least a few years....
I found myself crying in pain and vain, soul broken a atom split and a massive catastrophe of emotions, an explosion within this body a capsule to death, only to be released and then to find your way either to Heaven or hell, nothing we really understand and even most don't see, why; maybe because of the fact that we always want to see what ever it is we want to see...?? pointless effort.... That crossed my mind just now, wandering off into the abyss again, always found deep inside my mind in a world where everything must be questioned, i think I'm going crazy!, I found myself today fighting with myself while driving to work, for the mere fact that there is nothing els to listen to other then my thoughts... "My car radio got stolen on Friday", I forgave that entity for taking something not belonging to him/her even....
Well yet again, I sometimes get the feeling that the thoughts of pain and ..... are stalking me once more, like a never ending cycle; I think I'm used to it though? Maybe? maybe not... ****Aww damn stand up... its morning**** Time for work... an ongoing cycle a never ending story well for at least a few years....
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
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