My Notes

Monday, ‎15 ‎August, ‎2011

Something I have been wandering about for some time now...
Not really a fear but a feeling like a fear its Tormenting my mind making me unstable wandering off on to the path of the unknown, --shower time-- "thinking time" isn't pleasent anymore, constantly thinking that: 'maybe I'm better off alone?' at the same time thinking that I'm crazy for thinking something like that? Why would I want to be alone??? I think I'm scared because I have already lost someone close to my heart once... lossing her would be the final cut, I can't explain how it feels within my mind its a constant battle to convince myself that I have to stay alive I will be happy soon I will be happy sooon!... I will I know I will, Its hard waiting for her to come back; even a little thought off her making the choice not to come back will totaly rip my world in pieces I will lose it... I won't make it..  I fear this because I get the feeling sometimes that something like this could be so real within any moment  continuing on this road... Then again something else to add to the corupted mind is the constant thoughts about Life & Death, Good & Evil... God and satan, tormented, constant testing, thoughts unimaginable even my dreams scare me, sometimes I'm to scared to go to bed... somethimes I'm to scared to walk in the dark, sometimes I feel that I don't want to wake up from a dream, both worlds are confusing and corupted I have no where to go?? I'm running from something? I fear not? or If so what??
 -- Maybe the death of Dad...?? It's painfull just to think about it... I can still see the pain and dissapointment on his face the day I left to stay with Mom... " For a better life... Haha what a fucking fool I was! " Riches tricked mymind making me belief in something that is even more corrupted then anything else... I wish I could see Him one more time... I want to say that I'm sorry for leaving Him... The mere fact only thinking about myself... as always its stupid !! I'm always to busy with my own things.... and then soon after awhile then to realise that something changed in life... It feels like little pauses in life... Like chapters in a book.. with one picture discibing the whole chaper.. Its weird.. I know but i guess you know what I'm talking about... ; back to Her I miss her my love...

Weird though that If i never made the choice to move to Mom a lot  and I meen alot would have been different... " no drugs (well who knows), friends & people i met, places i went to, I would have done better in school.. He would still be alive... " Sadness... down, mislead, lost, death, alone.... Its hard to convince myself to be happy Its hard to motivate my self... I do need Her close to me se helps me, she makes my life worth the way...  My sweet heart... --- I wonder when will things be different with Mom? well maybe if I start it I could find out... but why should I be the only one thinking about these kind of things? don't others think about it aswell.. Its like all my friends I have?/had? in the void... No one calls... busy with there own stuff I guess... or maybe they are waiting for me to call? I don't know this is something totally different but anyway... I only have one disire in my life and its to spend time with my wife (still to come) but before I could get to that state... I have to go through some tests I guess?? Or maintance ? or do I maybe?? maybe not... Can't we all just be sober... ? think about it we are all so upsessed with things from this world..! "money, power, control" Good & evil.. How I don't think about this every fucking day... What am I doing ... wait.. is it good? or bad... mmmm choices dissusions...  I'm not happy - I feel lost again I feel hopless I feel dead..... yea easy to say " don't be so negative don't be so down.. man u need to chill, man u need to lighten up life aint that bad... " well guess what fuckface you are under contol of the system...
The only way to be happy is to follow.. The LORD !! ok no problem with that I will... And I do! but.. Its just as hard because you get tested every single minute! every few seconds Its between Good/ bad... everyday... Ok adjust to It, sure do your part.. but still its hard... Of course you can't do everything alone you need to hand everything over to the Lord let Him handel everything for you >? Ok... Now what?? should I rather sit in a room all day? doing and seeing nothing from this world only doing good... or even not to be influenced by anything from the outside... YEs!! that will work.... or will it? no haha fooool.... you still have your mind.... " In the bible it says that you should remove the things that cause u to step on the road to hell... " like pluck out your eyes if the decieve you... What about my head... can I remove it... can i remove myself from this world? No I guess not... Mindless... Void... sheep we are... ---> I miss her she's my shield against the dammed se keeps me safe... by the same time I know the Lord keeps watch over me all the time... but I do so many bad things... within my mind.. that I find it hard to belief that I can call my self a good person... ? I'm unstable.... Dreaming seems off now.. dreaming all of this in one dream makes me feel confused why? should I dream about all these things... No I'm awake its not a dream not this time>? Last night I was searching for Mom in my dream, looking in houses and all kinds of places but I couldn't find her... Its strange?... Like the other dreams I had about demons... I was carrying a bible and a robe and I could speak in a wierd language and i was busy casting demons out of this one child and a man... it was scary as shit... and confusing and fearfull!! -- i think i'm having trouble defeating the inner me.. or inner evil... maybe im corrupted ? mymind seems odd... not just now many years now... ? I'll look into that but first she has to comeback! I miss her so much going to bed at night seems dull cause I know I'll wake alone tomorrow... I'm so stupid... only a few weeks back when she first talked about leaving I did'nt give my full atention to it... only to find my self broken after she's gone... pain, fear, lonlyness....  // This is it for now... btw I just wrote it so grammar and spelling is up to shit... who cares..